Back from the brink of ... or an itch in time!

Hey hey hey, I'm back!!!! It's been five days since I was last online and doing a blog to you my special reader/viewer and I'm sorry it's been so long, but gosh dang it I've been a bit on the poorly side of the fence. I have no idea what happened, what it was or why, but by goodness I was a very sicky boy! It all started on 25th, there I was, just blogging away at the dining room table, minding my own business as one does. I was putting the last words to Shakespeare when I noticed my arse was itchy, darn itchy. (Arse, is to my American reader, you ass, butt or fanny and to the English reader, yes over here in America they call their bum their fanny!) Anyway, I reached down and scratched the itch and noticed that it was rather lumpy! Nobody likes a lumpy bottom, especially and itchy lumpy bottom, so I ran to the bathroom to see what it was occurring on my rear end.

I don't know if you've ever tried looking at your back side with a static mirror on a bathroom cabinet at eye level? It's bloody bloody difficult, so there I was, one leg on the side of the toilet the other leg on the side of the bath and my left hand gripping for dear life the towel rail with the tippest tip of fingers just to get a gawp at my botty to see what the flipping heck was causing the burning itch. I bet I looked a right sight, which is exactly what I thought when I glimpsed my bottom, firstly, just exactly when did it get so flabby? Then secondly where the hell did those massive great red raw welts come from? There must have been six or so welts all over my arse about the size of an two pound coin, including one that was bleeding - after my earlier vigorous scratching.

As I stumbled down from my precarious perch on the bathroom furniture I pondered the appearance of these extra annoying additions to my already ample frame. I missed my footing and my fingertips that we looped around the towel rails shot up along with the rest of the arm and I saw in the mirror a mass of red blotches amassed all up my side! But not only where they on my side, oh no my friends, they were all over my back to boot! I was, a greater spotted and fairly rare English stud muffin yet resembled a, well a thing with lots of red blotches over them! I wasn't worried, nope not at all, I was too itchy to be worried, of course my first action was to get some pain relief, so I gulped down a vodka, it helped but not that much. Well, it's apple flavoured vodka, so that shocking taste buds head shaker bite it hasn't got, but the drunken inducing feeling remains the same.

I was beside myself for a while, itchy itchy and more itchy I was, so as the vodka didn't work I took a couple of Tylenol (pain reliever) and headed to the shower, no not to take another look, but to wash my body free from the welt inducing bad stuff that had bought my body to the brink of mass irritation. I thought perhaps hot wouldn't be so good as it was the mid 80's outside the apartment and a fair bit higher inside, so cool it was. At first I felt soothed, the water seemed to do the trick and I relaxed a little and inspected other parts of my body, which I have to say were not as bad as the bottom nor the backside, sigh relief I breathed!

Dried and soothed with another vodka I was when Matt came home from work fresh with tales of well work really. We had planned to go straight to the local Wal-Mart to stock up on essentials like food, so he was kinda surprised to find me just in a towel. Now Matt knows that I used to frequent the nudist beach in Brighton in years gone by, but then was when I was a lot less of the fair, fat and forty variety of poof and more of the taught, trim, toned and twenty kind. But even so, I'm well awear Southern Illinois is not ready for a towel wearing Brit bloke prowling the aisles doing the weekly shop with red welts and blotches scary random children and old grannies at first glance and causing poor shop workers to recoil in horror!

He inspected my arse upon my request and placed a Band-Aid on the bleeding welt and that was they, I dressed and we jumped in Hex. Oh come on, just like most kooky Brits, I've given a name to his car and that name is Hex! My arse was on fire, a fact that I'm sure I impressed upon young Matthew more than a dozen occasions in the twelve minuets he was home. So instead of turning left at the end of our road to the 206,000 square feet of Marion Wal-Mart he turned right to the smaller and much further away Carbondale one (Oh just for Riddy that's Carbonara!)

Best company I probably wasn't, moody and cross I probably was, shopping - in the mood for I was not, but we managed to get through it without fisticuffs or scarring the locals or my mass embarrassment of blood seeping through the Band_aid on my butt. The ride home was excruciating, beyond excruciating, so much so that I forced my arse off the seat by pressing my knuckles down into the seat. I don't like pain, it's not pleasant, S&M has passed me by because of my distinctly lack of interest in pain. That said, I'm no wimp, believe me I know what pain is, I've had a broken nose reset without anesthetic, I've had a broken back and a split coccyx, I've smashed my right leg up so much that a metal plate and six screws hold it together, I've had a bone graft from the right hip, all of that I could handle, and worse still, I've had a catheter removed from the downstairs department after nearly three weeks of situe, so honey, believe me when I say I don't like pain, I know what it big time and I don't like it. The itching I felt that night was very similar, thought just a notch below catheter removal, anyone whose had one of those whipped out without any anesthetic will know know what I'm talking about. If you haven't been that unfortunate, just think of having all our nose hairs plucked out at the same time, or for those with no nose hair, imagine if you will, hitting your thumb with a sledge hammer, it was like that.

I didn't sleep at all that night, most of which I was on my hands and knees in the lounge staring at the stars on the floor and just above my head - it was the only place comfy enough! Whilst shopping I'd picked up this anti-itch gel stuff that was supposed to calm the pain of the red blotchy things that were now spreading over my arms and legs. I smothered it on as the very clear instructions advised and I did have some temporary waving of pain, but calm those darn things down - it did not. Matt of course was blissfully unaware in the land of nod in the bedroom, so see the tears of dispare trickle down my cheeks he could not, but hey, he's a working boy and needs his sleep apparently.

I had some more Tylenol at breakfast time, which helped and after Matt went to work I started to tidy the apartment, make the bed, you know all the chores a lay-a-bout like me needs to do in order to live. I was going to do the washing up but thought I'd refresh myself before the dishes and took a cool shower. I know I've put on more than a few pounds since being this side of the Atlantic, but, not on the backs of my hands which were pumped up like a body builder on steroids! I blasted them with cold water and they stung and itched like crazy, more then my entire body combined, which we've already established is bigger than before and blotchy beyond reasonable belief.

Washing up was left, I felt itchy, bloating, ill, frustrated, sick, concerned and annoyed all in one all encompassing emotion which resulted in my slumping on the sofa with American daytime TV (Think British daytime TV multiply it by a hundred and you'd be pretty close!) I wanted a can of root beer to refresh the parts that other root beers can not reach, however my fingers just the same as the back of my hands had swollen and get round the ring pull I just could not. I couldn't even grasp the knife in order to flick up the ring pull and open it that way, so I made do with a bottle of water which I'd opened earlier pre hand swelling hours and slumped back on the sofa and felt largely and completely sorry for myself.

I could go on for hours about the big welty hives that were spread pretty much all over my back, bum and upper arm areas. Equally I could pontificate regarding the little measelly type of the ones that populated my forearms and thighs until West Ham wins the FA cup and England regain the ashes, but I will spare you that boredom, besides I feel I am rapidly getting the absolute limit of your sympathy and empathy and I don't want to waste what left of it I've still got on the bloody hives that were making my life miserable.

Oh and when I said I was annoyed earlier, I was livid, not because of the itching, but because just the day before all of this I'd cut my nails, which were rather unblokeishly long and would have been perfect for scratching the buggery out of the itchiness that was covering my entire being. Timing you see has never been my best friend and yet again it was doing the equivalent of sticking it's fingers up at me and going 'nar nar nee nar naaah'

I had no clue what was causing such disturbance to my bodies normal natural balance and such irritation. It could have been the dressing in the new towels that I'd been using, or the new shorts that I'd worn without washing, of the veggie Brats I'd cooked for my dinner the night before, the Fabreeze I'd refreshed the apartment and hallway with, it could have been the funny smelling water, then again it always smells funny over here. Perhaps it might possibly be the washing liquid that I'd done the laundry with a couple of days ago, perhaps I was bitten unknowingly by one of the largest ants I've ever seen that rush multi-legged across the balcony, or a spider, which are numerous, multiple and apparently poisonous, perhaps the little spotty thing on my neck was actually a brown recluse bite, which I think it is, but Matt is 101% sure is not. As I say I have no clue what was making me feel like Id gone four rounds with an entire joke shops supply of itching powder. It could be any, all, some of those or perhaps another possibility altogether like the additional unwelcome house guests we've been having (more on that in a bit) just lately.

I'm not sure whether it was lunch time of evening that Matt came home with his Ma and Pa, but they were a welcome break from the TV, which I think Memorial Day telly, although I could be wrong, my mind was, rather like my body, itchy Steve, Matt's dad, who is, in his words, a blind man walking, could even see my swollen hands, which just goes to prove how swollen they blooming well were. Betty, Matt's mom who is a nurse took one look at me and confirmed what I'd already assumed, I looked rough, she also confirmed that it was not only my hands that were larger than normal, but my whole body was a swelling machine, or in her words 'Jason, your hard all over'

Luckily for me she'd bought over some allergy medicine, which I took almost immediately, and it was great to have company, even if I was far from top form. However, not only was it medicine had they come over with, oh nope, they were armed with something far more pleasurable than medicine for a sick person and it wasn't cheesecake either!

32 inches of flat HD Television was what they had come with, I was most surprised, even if my face didn't show it. They had sold some of Matt's old school books, which had raised the funds for a brand spanking new massive flat screen high definition telly, which I'm most definitely sure cost a fair bit more than the books raised, testament to their generosity. Matt busied himself setting it up while I rested on the sofa with Betty, the allergy medication was rapid in it's cessation of most of those annoying itches, the other effect was a drowsiness that fell over me like a cloak.

There was a green skittish effect on the TV once it was up and running which was not supposed to be there causing a ghosting on all channels and even on a game that Matt tried. A call to the manufacturer confirmed there was a fault, which would need a repair, so Matt and Steve took the TV back to the store while I made Betty a cup of English tea and had a natter on the sofa. It wasn't long before the boys were back, complete with another TV, which after being set up worked like a dream. The colour and the picture are amazing, the high definition channels are so impressive that it's almost like the person on TV is in the bloody room with you! I'm very very impressed with Matt's new 32inch LCDFHDTV TV! I'm mighty impressed with Betty and Steve for getting such a wonderful gift for their baby son. (Yes, he is just a tad spoilt!!)

I was very drowsy and very swollen, and after his parents left I pretty much collapsed into a light daze come sleep, come zonked out zone - the lights may well have been on by no-one was home. The lift (elevator in America) was not going to my top floor, I was zoned out completely, but hey, I'd not had any sleep, drugs were careering round my system and the itching had stopped. The only thing, apart for the need for sleep that was in my mind was the promise I'd had to make Matt's mom, if the swelling got to my tongue of throat I'd make Matt take me to the hospital.

The next morning I work and wondered why the world was squashed, it was not as it normally is, but kind of like a wide screen film on an old square telly, instead of black bars at the top and bottom I had fleshy pink ones. The horror on Matt's face signified I had more than just bed hair and morning breath. A look in the mirror in the bathroom was most off putting, I was looking in and the reflection was of a different person. I kid you not, my head looked like a round football (yes far more than it does already!) and the skin under my eyes was so swollen you could have rested a teacup there. Oh yes, the lips, I can't really find the words to describe them, think Lesley Ash after her botox disaster, the trout pout, you'd be pretty closers to the mark, maybe amplify it a little you'd be getting warm! They were so enlarged that the bottom one started to split in the middle and the only thing Matt could think of to say was to inform me that my breath was not the freshest in the kingdom. I used the mouthwash, with it antiseptic, which upon contact with my cracked lip caused a stinging, burning sensation that made me want to scream and I'm sure would have bought tears to my eyes had that not been hidden by flesh above and below. A pretty sight I was not and sorry for myself I was, died I wished I had, low would have been high to what I was feeling.

That was then and now is now, I'm much much better, having pretty much all of 48 'kapgels' of the allergy medication, darn near half the 100 sugar coated Tylenol tablets and more than a few sleeping pills has ensured that I am now feeling fine. There is no swelling and no hives anywhere about my personage. I've also given the apartment a bit of a clean and I am a happy bunny. Indeed when Matt's parents popped round yesterday they were surpsied at how well I was, but ultimately releaved, they were, it would seem far moe concerned than there son, who is pretty indifferent, unless it effects him directly, or happens to be a computer game!

Matt told me on Thursday lunch time that an evening had been planned and we were going to meet up with Rachel and Tara. I told him that I was still not 100% under the weather was me. However, the evening came, and over the road we went, of course, this being America, what would have been a direct walk of 8 minutes, we can see the front door of the bowling alley from our balcony, we drove! We met them in the bar, which had kareoke going on and I'm pleased to say that it's just as awful this side of the Atlantic as it is back home. After staying in the bar for a little while, it was out to the games area where they played games, I went back to the bar for a beer. There were some other friends of Tara's there, whom I was introduced to, but they had little interest in a short round English guy pretty much twice their age and nor should they. Matt and Tara bowled, Rachel, Zach and I chatted, well I say we chatted, which we did inbetween Zach's absences of around half an hour to talk to his fience on the phone,, thney are still in that 'gotta talk 24/7' stage, which kinda sweet. I got a pitcher of beer for only $5, which was lovely and may not have exactly been what the doctor ordered, but was most welcome. It as good seeing them again - hi guys! Matt us all back his apartment, which was nice and a g

That's pretty much it, oh I almost forgot, our unwelcome house guests, yes, these little buggers just seem to be pretty intent on taking over the place and cause a restless night. People may think they are cute and perhaps a white one with pink eyes in a cage may very well be cute, but when they are brown, with black beady eyes scampering over everything and leaving little turds all over the place, they are far from cute and I for one do not like mice as house guests. Yes, it could be one of these little interlopers that made me ill, it's possible, I just know that I've had more than enough! Enough would have been one or two, but having caught six mice in five days is more than enough, far more than enough. So far we have been kind to these creatured, captured them in humane traps, letting them go free in the massive field, beside the church over the other side of the road passed another two aparetment buildings. The traps are down and if we catch another one tonight in the humane trap, then I'm affraid it's war! Mr Exterminator is coming to save us from this torture!

Till the next time you cast your eyes this way, take care of yourself and thank you and I leave you with a a photo we took whilst driving the other day by Crab Orchard, sadly we took it in the afternoon which may not be the best time to go down, ahem that road!

Ciao