The long goodbye........

This is perhaps the hardest blog I've ever written and maybe, will ever write, I'm feeling so empty now, physically and emotionally that I have no idea if I'll write another blog, or even finish this post.

A couple of weeks ago I received an email from Matt, after a few days of not talking, time and distance plays it part callously.

"I don't know what to say anymore. I have written and deleted probably 40 different emails on what I would say, and to be honest, I really don't know what to say anymore. I am going to speak my heart, no matter how much it hurts, or how worried I may be about what I say. I am no longer able to give you the attention, time, or love that you need. I gave you the most love that I could, and I still do love you, nothing will change that. I just feel at this stage in my life, I need to do whats right for me. I need to focus on my education."

It came as a bolt of lightning from a clear blue sky, it shock me to my very core, there I was getting a 'Dear John' email from the one person in the world I have ever truly loved with my entire being, the one person that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, the person and I don't say this flippantly or lightly, but the person I would have gladly layed my life down for.

I obviously wrote back, trying to smooth over this 'speed bump' in relationship road, thinking that it was just a little hiccup, knowing that sometimes he does tend to think too much, thinking that he was a little down because his little birdy, Salsa, had died. But, the reply I got back was rather more blunt. "I just don't love you like I did, and it pains me incredibly to say this. I'm not going to waste your time - but it's time to say goodbye. I have to go my own way, and you yours" I sent him emails back, but got no reply. I pulled the 'Big' trick out, and in true Sex & The City style sent him an email every day containing a love poem, or a love letter from a great man of history, some long and some short. Just like Carrie in the movie, Matt didn't reply.

I found myself thinking back on things, wondering what went wrong, what I could have possibly done to warrant such action, he was just ignoring me, ignoring the pain I was embarking on, the pain that was swallowing me up whole, consuming the very essence that is Jason Shaw.

I didn't let on at work, or to friends, what had happened, what was going on, mainly I think because I didn't want to admit it to myself, for I guess if I admitted it, then it would be true and the relationship would be over. It was partly that, but also because I had hope, I know that Matt has taken me to a place within me that I thought I'd never find, a place of knowledge, I'd finally found the person I'd been waiting for all my life. And, to have that taken away with no, or very little contact was more than I could bear and more than I could allow.

I apologise to those that I was less than honest with when you enquired about Matt, I blamed our lack of contact on the 4000+ miles of distance between us, I blamed his university schedule, I blamed his work schedule, I blamed the 6hour time difference. I blamed everything other than the the responsible parties, namely Matt and myself, but at that time I still had hope!

Yes hope, they say it's not over till the fat lady sings, well let me tell you now folks, that fat lady is half way through a mega long concert right now. But, I had a little hope, I thought that if I flew all the way to America, if I spoke to him face to face, that I could win back his heart, that I could make him see that there really was a future for us, that, no mater the distance, our hearts were close. You may think I'm crazy, that I have no sensible or sane bone in my body, perhaps that's true, I don't know, but what I do know that is if I didn't try, I'd regret it and regret it for the rest of my life. I knew that I couldn't let go of the love of my life that easily. I couldn't say goodbye to the future without at least trying to save it from inhalation.

So, I booked off time from work, booked a flight and a hotel and commenced a 24 hour journey to Illinois, via Canada. I booked in to a Super 8 motel, across from University Mall in Carbondale, mainly because it was far enough away from Carterville that I wouldn't be seen before I had chance to put my foolish plan into action in a couple of days. It was also just a taxi ride away from the apartment I'd called my American home.

The morning after my long trip stateside, I crossed the road, 7 lanes of traffic to get to the the mall across from the hotel, well you know me, I do love a bit of shopping. Then suddenly, right before me, was Matt's car, parked across from the hotel, a way from then entrance. My heart skipped several beats, the hairs on the back of my neck stood upright, to attention, my inside trembled. I went up to the window, he was shocked to see me. "What...what are you doing here..." he stammered, this was not how it was supposed to be, this was not how I had planned or rather not planned it to be. He didn't look pleased to see me, in fact more the opposite, not in any single one of my possible scenarios that my mind had worked on since I decided I was heading America way, was this happening.

He had to rush off to university, but before he did he told me he'd come to my hotel that evening at 9 to talk. I went off in to the mall, although shopping was the last thing on my mind, the last thing I was capable of. I have no idea what what going on in my head, all I knew is my body was shaking so much that I had to sit for a little while, before I fell to the floor. That little while turned out out be almost an hour, before a very pressing pain in my bladder forced me to come back to the here and now, back to life.

Matt didn't call or come over that night, every second I waited for him seemed like an hour, every hour was like a year, but I had nothing to do other than wait, wait and think. That's all I did, till at least 3am, and then again all the next morning and all the next day.

Matt called me, in the room, telling me that he didn't want to see me, in fact point blank refusing to see me face to face, in his words his life is unrecognisable now he's started at university, he no longer has time for me, doesn't want a relationship, doesn't want me. He told me that if I turned up at the apartment, he'd call the police! His life had changed and he wanted me to leave him alone.

So, I've left him alone, I've left him alone, just as my dreams desires, wants needs and my very being lie crushed and broken on the empty field. I'm so very empty, everything I was working towards, the money for a house in America, the job hunting and the visa application, all for the future I was working hard on to enable me to be with the man I love, is all wasted, just rubbish on the floor. My dreams are crushed and broken, much like my heart, which aches more than I would have ever thought possible, far more than i ever has before.

I am finding it hard to sleep, it just doesn't stay, I'm hungry, yet can't face eating, I'm lonely yet don't want to be in company, I really don't know what I want or where I want to be, I'm think it's because I simply can't think too much about anything, my mind is muddled, I can't concentrate. My heart hurts, it really hurts, I sit staring at the screen, trying to put into words what's going on in my body, mind and life, yet the words, they don't flow. I want to be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, to be positive about something, anything, just one thing in the future, but I can't. I just can't! I feel my hopes and dreams have been taken and smashed upon a rock, the fragments on the ground are cutting my feet, such is the pain inside.

I am desolate, an empty shell of my former self, it's been difficult writing this post, my fingers run over the keys, writing paragraphs and then hitting back space until an empty screen stares back at me as blankly as when I first started. I want to be able to end on something positive, but, I don't feel positive, I don't have any good news to share, any happy event to pontificate about, just the realisation that the love of my life has confirmed that I am not the love of his. That our plans for a life of happiness, of togetherness, of sharing life's ups and downs, are no more than wasted words carried away by a cold, cold wind, with a heart of stone.

I don't want to be here, in a town I don't belong, yet I don't want to be home either, I don't know what I'm going to do, where I want to be, or even who I am any more. I can't write anymore, my eyes stare at the screen and sting with the tears that no longer fall.

I don't know about the future, this has been a difficult post to write, I'm empty, it may very well be the last post I ever write on this blog, I just don't know, I don't know anything any more.