A view from the other side.....

It's strange what you learn, when you least expect it.

The other night saw me working with a colleague from the 'other side'  a fellow night shifter,  a worker in the after dark hours,  but one from  the opposing shift,  so she's working when I'm off and vice versa,  so we don't get to work with each other very often,  although I did used to work on that side of the nights.  It was a indeed a pleasure to work with her again,  it was like a breath of fresh air and the hours flew by so quickly  it was morning before I knew it.  

As we don't often see each other,  she asked questions,  one of which really made me think,   she asked if I was over Matt yet?   A pretty normal and expected question,  simple, matter of fact and direct.   I thought for a moment and affirmed that I was indeed over him,  over that relationship and put it all behind me.

It was only later that something came to me like a surge of electricity that tingled every fiber of my being.   Yep,  when I was looking on the net at the Illinois real estate agent website, from who I was going to buy that Marion house from,  you know  that house for me and him.  Anyway,  it was no longer on the website or in the listings, so I can only assume it had been sold,  so  I couldn't show my colleagues where I'd planned, dreamed and desired to live.  I couldn't show them the kitchen where, I'd have baked cakes and fixed dinners.  I couldn't show them the front porch where we'd sit and chat and review the sunset.  I couldn't show them the garden or yard,  that by English standards would be massive,  yet by American ones would be small.  

It then,  like a comforting warm blanket on a cold winters day that a realisation swept up through me that I had indeed gotten over Matt.  But further more,  I had,  as they say,  built that particular bridge and gotten over it a long time ago.

My mind emptied a little,  my heart sighed with relief when I realised that it wasn't Matt,  that I wasn't over,  but  the life I would have lived,  had things been different.  I suddenly knew that, him,  that silly boy,  he was consigned to the past,  but it was America itself,  that I was missing.   It was that little taste of life that I had in the apartment in Carterville,  the tiny slice of the American dream I sampled that was tugging at the strings of my heart. It wasn't him,  that boy that I longed for,  that stole sleep from my nights,  that forced water from these eyes of mine.  It was the place,  the apartment, the stores, the weather, the fast food,  the space,  the wide skies,  the heat,  the lifestyle,  the cheesecakes as big as your head,  the low cost of living,  the wide open spaces,  the noisy animals,  the red birds, the freedom.

Jason  had gotten over the boy he loved ages ago,  but the thing that had been bringing him down was the loss of the dream of the life that he would have known.  That American dream was supposed to be mine,   yes, I was homesick,  yes I missed the ability to walk places,  the sea,  god did I miss the sea big time while I was over there.  But,   when he slammed shut the door on our relationship,  he also ended a fresh start.  That's what I was mourning,  not him,  but the lifestyle,  that I should have had.  It finally dawned on me,  then, there,  in the office,  whilst looking at cheep houses, in southern Illinois.  Yes,  you can say  it took a long time coming,  a very long time,  but now that it has,  now that I know it's not Matt that I miss,  but Yankee life, I feel like an invisible weight has been lifted off my back and Jason can get one with things,  life can move on,  perhaps now it's time to address the feeling of homelessness,  perhaps it's time to explore where the present will lead the future to be?

A summer view, from the apartment,  I mourn the loss!