Funny News Days

(2026 Edit - This post was one of the earliest ones found in the archive, dated 14 November 2007, published at 14:01. I was living and working in the seaside city of Brighton, on the East Sussex coast. Images from this post have inadvertently been deleted.)

Do you ever see the news and wonder what the hell is going on with the world? I often do, and today is no exception, for example, catching my eye today from the newspaper and the 24-hour news channels is the very odd story of an Indian farmer who has married his dog! Yes, honestly, it's true, this guy has actually married a dog after a long search for a 'suitable bride'. Selvakumar managed to get a four-year-old mongrel bitch from a friend and had a fully-fledged Hindu wedding in front of villagers and elders on Sunday. Eyewitnesses said the canine bride, named Selvi, was adorned in a sari and flowers and brought to the temple by village women. A Hindu priest conducted the ceremony.

I know we're all supposed to be going green and recycling, but if the latest trend in China starts to happen over here, I'm not joining in! Apparently, over there, used condoms are being recycled into hair bands in parts of southern China! A bag of ten of the recycled bands sells for just 25 fen, which is about 2p, much cheaper than others on the market, accounting for their popularity! Used second hand condoms in your hair sounds pretty revolting to me, but it's happening over in China. However, in one of their local papers, a government official was quoted as saying recycling condoms was illegal.

An ancient law banning an English town from holding a market because it is less than "a donkey ride" away from one in a rival town was branded an ass on Tuesday. Yet the centuries-old law is used by residents of South Shields near Newcastle to prevent their neighbours in North Shields -- just on the other side of the Tyne river -- from setting up a market is still being used. "We have been trying for a number of years to get around this," said Maggie Richardson of the North Shields Chamber of Trade and Commerce, which wants to set up a weekly market. "But every time we have approached South Tyneside Council, they say they were given a market charter some time in the 1200s by King John, so that no one can set up a market within a day's donkey ride.

Other very odd laws of 'Ole England' that still exist, according to a dodgy UK TV channel, include the following:-  It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British King or Queen's image upside-down. Eating mince pies on Christmas Day is banned. A pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants. It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armour. All false, except the last one, as armour has been forbidden since 1313. 

My school days were never as interesting as they are for the kids today in Nottingham. Nope, a young schoolboy was given a very unexpected surprise for his 16th birthday when a stripper turned up in the middle of his drama class. The stripper - dressed as a policewoman - had been booked by the boy's mother, who had apparently asked for a "gorilla" to mark her son's big day. The woman even asked the teenager's teacher at Nottingham's Arnold Hill School & Technology College to film the event so the family could see his reaction. On arriving halfway through the lesson, the stripper walked up to the unnamed boy and made him crawl around the class on all fours like a dog. Then, to a Britney Spears track, she spanked him 16 times - once for each year - before stripping down to her bra and knickers. It was only when she asked the schoolboy to rub cream on her booty that the shocked teacher called a halt to the show! The mother is claiming a booking error for the incident, but surely the school shouldn't have allowed this. I mean, is this the kind of lesson we want our kids to learn?

Edit - I've just been emailed this bit of news from a reader!! A man nicked in Glasgow for having sex with a bike!!!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/glasgow_and_west/7095134.stm

Laptop hunting

(2026 Edit - This is one of the earliest posts found in the archive of this blog. It was dated 13 November 2007 and published just before noon. At the time I was working for and American company as part of their multifunctional night team, working from 8pm to 8am.)

It's day four of what would be my four away from that place they call work, or rather it would be if I didn't have the next shift off, therefore it's day four of twelve. I shook the sleep from my eyes early this morn and headed on a walk into town. My first thought was to check out the shops in Churchill Square, however as I arrived at the monstrous glass and stone monument to retail delights before 9am, I carried on and headed up towards the Seven Dials area of town. I hardly ever explore this end of town, indeed the only time I've ever spent time up this neck of the woods is when I was shagging a part time DJ with a passion for weed and taking it up back passage when the girlfriend was away!

As memories of those sexual adventures faded I carried on along The Old Shoreham Road until I found myself outside PC World, which is a pretty long way, in fact according to Google maps, it's 4.9 miles! I snuck inside and marvelled at the expensive laptops on offer and wondered, A) if I could afford one. B) If any staff were actually there to help or just chat amongst themselves. After a full 20 minutes of browsing the technical wizardry and no sign of any employee venturing anywhere near me to offer assistance, I departed and trolled up the road to Curry's! 

It occurred to me that service these days seems to be a lost art to most shops. PC World, could and would have had a sale, if only their staff had come to aid me in my laptop deliberations. Yet, as the two closest members of uniformed staff discussed their last nights activities the chances of me splashing out £800 on a new laptop diminished by the second. Yet, at Abercrombie, the staff were there, ready willing and able to assist and offered such on a very regular basis. Even Curry's, never known for good service, offered assistance as I checked out the merchandise, I was tempted, very tempted!

Whilst I was riding the bus homeward, well come on, even I am not silly enough to be walking over 9 miles before lunch, I had a textual conversation with young Jakey and made plans for him to come round this evening. Jake was suffering a dull lecture up at the university on something or other to do with his business studies course. He was also suffering the effects of too much cheap wine the night before, not that he'd been anywhere, it's just last night was one of the few times all the inhabitants of his shared student house were all in, present and correct at the same time. He can't recall the last time that has happened, so they all clubbed together and got 5 of the big bottles of Lambrini! Oh the reckless abandonment of the youth of the day I thought as I read the last text, anyway, Jake was seeking more adult company, or rather, he needs some washing to be done, so plans are afoot for him to make an appearance at Shaw Towers at around 8pm.

My mood buoyed by the promise of spending leisure time with Jake, I started smiling at the old lady sitting across from me on the number one bus, an act that obviously surprised her, as she promptly got up and moved three rows of seats forward! Is my smile that scary? Or is it simply that we've got so used to our insular in our own worlds and have a negative distrust of strangers that for someone to show us a happy greeting is so alien that we recoil away from it?

Now, as I sit at my PC, I wonder why I even bothered to venture into that strange and cold world on the side of what they call out? For I have thousands of electronic retailers at my fingertips all offering better deals that I could have gotten at PC World, had the shop assistants deemed it within the scope of their job function to actually assist!

Desperately Seeking??

(2026 Edit - This post was found in the archive, dated 12 November 2027 at 12:48. The images from this post have unfortunately been deleted.  I was living and working in Brighton during that time.)

Welcome to the Seafront Diaries, your insight into the lives of a small select Brighton boys and girls as we go about our daily lives. Think Sex And The City, but with boys and in the gaytropolis that is Brighton, oh and less make-up!

So there we were, David and I heading up to town on November 5th, ready to explore the big smoke. David is one of those happy, jolly, forty-something gay men who have a youthful passion for music, drama, divas, musicals and Starbucks. He's always fun to go out with, as well, to be honest, you're never sure where it will end, if indeed it does. (You can check out David's world on David's Daily Dramas!

!) Anyway, having taken the train to Victoria and then a number 38 to the end of the West, David suggested we head to my own citadel of casual fashion - the newly opened store of American casual kings - Abercrombie & Fitch! Now, call me Queen Silly of the Silly people if you wish, but I'm never one to miss out on a retail therapy opportunity. So without so much as a swish, we found ourselves walking through the mammoth doors of this new outlet of style. One of the first things that hits you as you enter is the grinning, shirtless hunk, who will have his picture taken with you if you so desire, then it's the loud and rather jolly camp music blasting at 80's club levels!

I was as happy as a pig in shit as we trounced the piles of neatly folded garments and set about picking out a few items for my purchase. It must be a requirement to be young, skinny, and stunningly good-looking to get a job in that place, as all the assistants were on the drop-dead side or gorgeous. One or two even cause that familiar waking sensation in the trouser department, especially as one of the sexier members asked, "Can I give you a squirt?" sadly, it wasn't a squirt of himself, but the latest Abercrombie fragrance that filled the air! Oh, I had such delight in the store, David less so as he carried my purchases around like an obedient little man servant, indeed, at the moment, I believe the world should have its own personal David! Not only did he carry my selections of casualness so my hands were free to grab, fondle and stroke other garments, he also advised on the suitability of said items upon my person. Oh, I loved that place, it's dark wood, it's homoerotic pictures, it's sexy staff, and the opportunity to purchase such delights, I damn near had multiple orgasms on the spot!

£150 later, we made our exit and headed off to The Admiral Duncan on Old Compton Street, the main drag of gay Soho. The AD, as you may know, was one kind of blown up a few years ago, and to be honest, nothing has happened since its little refurb in the intervening years. The dirty state of things didn't bother me by any stretch of imagination, for I had my classic Abercrombie bag and a smile as wide as the Humber!

Suitably refreshed, we headed over to The Dress Circle, a strange and utterly fab theatrical retail abode of a strange camp fellow who had a striking resemblance to a slim Amistead Maurpin. We dallied around for a little while picking up a glass of cava, looking at the various goodies, books, t-shirts, magazines and other items with a theatrical bent. I picked up a hot new Les Mis top with 24601 emblazoned across the chest. David picked up the tickets for the main reason we were in town - the show. We'd plunked up for Desperately Seeking Susan, the new music about the Madonna film, but with the music of Blondie - yeah, go figure.

The Novello Theatre along the Strand used to be called The Strand, surprisingly enough considering its location, and before that it was The Whitney (nothing to do with the Huston family, I hasten to add), and it started its life as the Waldorf! Amazing the things you can learn from the programme. So there we were, settled and refreshed and watching the musical of one of David's most cherished films, well, anything to do with the blonde one that is Madge, and our dear old David is smitten, hook, line and sinker!

It's a rather fast-moving show, lots of Blondie tracks, lots of singing, interspersed with drama, taking the story along. It was nice, it was good to hear the songs of Debbie Harry blasting out on a West End stage, but as a bit of theatre? Well lets just say that it wasn't only my bum that was numb by the time the safety curtain fell. Actually, the ending, the grand finale, was the best bit for me, the bit that I most enjoyed.

Anyways, it being a Monday in the big city, David and I headed back to The AD for a couple more until closing time. Now that did strike me as odd, down here in Brighton, the pubs very seldom have a set have a closing time, but in the big smoke that is London Town, they did. So we left the Duncan and took a bus and a train back to our Sussex By The Sea with a fringe on top that makes one feel right at home at once. You can take the girl out of Brighton, but you can't take Brighton outa the girl!

Now, I'm not sure whose idea it was, personally, I'm blaming David, but as soon as we'd placed my Abercrombie selections in the safe environment of my apartment, we headed down to Legends. Oh dear, the pints were sunk, and the drink was drunk, and I have no clue how it happened, but I was back at home making a three-egg omelette at 4.30am!

Did I feel bad the day after? You bet I did? Did I enjoy the night before? You bet I did; however, the later stages of the evening do escape my memory banks! As I said before, going out with David is always an adventure as one never knows how it's going to end, or indeed where!!!

What's Brighton all about?

(2026 Edit.  This post is from the archive. It was first published in 2008, and things and views may have changed since then.)

I've been home now for a few days and have gotten over the jet lag, which tore at me like a weeping sore, not enough to lay me down but more than enough to be annoying. I guess the thing I hated most was not being with Matt, spending time with him or being able to reach out and touch him. Yes,  we've spoken on cam, but as we've both agreed, it's just not the same, and we can't wait for him to come over to my side of the pond. He has to get his passport first, which is already in hand with all the documentation sent off and all that. I just hope he can make it over soon, sooner the better as far as I am concerned. I can hardly wait to show him this fair city and see what he makes of it; it sure is a lot different from Marion, Vienna and the rest of Southern Illinois!

If been asked a couple of times what Brighton is like, by Matt and others, it's a hard question to reply to as Brighton seems to offer lots and lots and means different things to different people. But basically,  here are just some of the reasons I have come to choose Brighton as my home.

Chinese, Goan, Indian, Italian, Jap, Lebanese, Tex-Mex, Thai, Greek, French, Spanish - you can sample food from all over the world in Brighton and Hove's 400+ cafés and restaurants! Enjoy a show at one of the 8 different theatres around this groovy city. Shopping - yep, this place has the lot, for all the best high street names, try East Street, North Street, Western Road and the Churchill Square Shopping Centre. OK, so the prices are not as low as in America, but there is still a lot of choice. Upper North Street has a range of antique shops. And don't forget Hove and Upper Kemp Town for antiques and bric-a-brac. Brighton Marina offers factory outlet shopping on the Waterfront, with top quality goods at discount prices (down to about twice US prices!). Explore The Lanes, with its narrow, paved streets full of shops selling antiques, jewellery, hats, designer clothes, steeped in history and much more.

Visit the North Laine area, Brighton's Bohemian Quarter, with quirky and unusual shops selling everything from bonsai trees to vegetarian shoes!! 

There are 5 museums, 3 cinemas, and 1 massive pavilion. Brighton hosts the UK's largest and boldest arts festivals, complete with a massive upside-down purple cow and also the largest 'free' gay pride event anywhere in Europe.

All this and I've hardly touched the surface of this great city, god, reading this, it's a wonder I don't work for the local council in the tourist department, it sounds like a bloody advert for the place. But, as I said before, there is so much Brighton has to offer, I've not even touched on the vibrant bar, pub and club scene, which is pretty wild at times.

David says, 'No one comes from Brighton, we all come from other places and settle here in town'. Indeed, he's right, in all the years I've been here, I can't remember the time I met someone who hadn't moved here from some other town, city or country.

Jake says, this is the city other cities try to be like but fail! Where else can you get a crate of beer delivered at 5am to the house of a drag queen with everyone in dresses after enjoying an evening on the beach and club with no one batting an eyelid?

The only way you'll even know what Brighton has to offer is to see for yourselves, which is what Matt is doing, and I recommend that anyone else do the same, come for a day, a weekend, a month or even a lifetime!

So there ya go, that's Brighton for you, or rather a little taste of it, a tiny slice of this funky city by the sea, which at this very moment is calm and still, the starlight shining on the black rippling surface like a mirror. I only wish I didn't have to go back to work after my lunch break is over. It's been good getting back to work, OK, that's a complete lie, it hasn't, it's been hell, I've not missed it a single bit while I've been away, but I have missed the folks I work with. It's been fab catching up on almost three weeks of gossip. The queenie strops are going on all around David, up on his floor, the damp flats that Rach has been looking at until she found a nice one for her and her fella, another David, to settle into. Quita telling tales of her wild housemate and declining four-somes, and Nyree laughing until she almost wet herself at my new dark denim dungarees!

Matt's out tonight with his friend Daved, which is good, he hasn't had much of a chance to socialise with his friends for a while, as I seemed to monopolise most of his time when I was over there, but a little secret, I don't half miss our brief but significant lunch time chat!

OK, that's ya lot for now, don't forget to keep coming back, comments are always welcome and tell ya friends, I need all the readers I can get. Strangers are just friends I haven't met yet!

mucking fuddled

(2026 Edit - this post was found in the archieve, dated 6 Oct 2027 at 12:04.  I was working for a large American company at the time, living in Brighton, Sussex.)

Sometimes life is all straight forward with hardly a kink and then at other times it's a right old mucking fuddling puddle of tangledness! I've just finished work and feel about as normal as a washing machine in the desert, my mind is pretty much mush ( some of you maybe thinking, nothings different!)

I've been kinda bitchy to my mate David tonight, but it wasn't my fault, he needed it, and it's because he barged his way into Gabriells dressing room the night before last and I always blame him a little bit of the god awful state I was in after our drunken night on the town!

Everything seems to be confusing me at the moment, first there is a new film about the life and times of Bob Dylan that's been approved, but there are six people going to be playing the music man. Richard Gere, Christian Bale, Heath Ledger, Ben Whislaw, and young black actor Marcus Carl Franklin in his movie debut all play the great man, the sixth person in the film to be Bob is.....Cate Blanchett! Yep, confusing!

Troubled actress Lindsay Lohan, yeah that young soak, has checked out of a rehab clinic in Utah where she went in August following charges of drunken driving and cocaine possession, because she says she doesn't have a problem! Yeah right!

Nearly 300 participants started twisting and turning a small multicoloured cube on Friday on the first day of the Rubik's Cube World Championships in Budapest, the birthplace of the cult puzzle. Hello, the Rubik Cube? Have we gone back in time? Didn't we have that in the 80's? Is it back? I've not seen one in peoples hands since, well since I was at school, surely we're not back in the 1980's again, surely I've not slipped back to those heady days when the only thing I had to worry about was beating Marcus 'Fingers' Totting in matching the six colours on the six sides! Well that and not getting caught behind the groundsman's shed having a crafty fag with Gary or a sly five knuckle shuffle in the art store room with Jon! Actually come to think about it, perhaps it would be nice to be back in those days again! But, I'm not going back to having blisters on my thumbs from twisting that poxy cube for anyone!

It's not quite "Jurassic Park", but Swiss archaeologists were in a state of high alarm yesterday after thieves stole traces of a dinosaur footprint from an excavation site! Yep, apparently they just waltzed in and whipped away the footprint said to be 152 million years old. But the experts say that if it comes up for sale they will know about it! Yeah no shit Sherlock! I mean how often do you see a sale for something that old?

A Texas woman has escaped being charged with 'negligent homicide' (only in America!) after she killed her husband with a sherry enema. Tammy Jean Warner was due to go on trial last week but she's been let off due to the lack of evidence! But why on earth would you shove sherry up the arse?

A thief has stolen a cardboard cut-out of a policeman which was put in a store to deter shoplifters! Yeah honestly it's true, Derbyshire Police said a man had been seen on CCTV walking with the picture under his arm from a shop in Grasmere. The cut-outs were first introduced in shops in the area in 2005 in the hope that, at a glance, thieves would think the image was a real officer. But if that was the case, then why did the publicise it, with photo's clearly showing it was a cardboard cut out?

That's ya lot for today!