Portslade - paradise of the south!

(2026 edit - This post is from the archive of this blog. It dates back to January 2012, when I was a multifunctional night worker employed by a large American company in Brighton, Sussex. Things, views, events may have changed since then.)

I was working last night, and while I was there in the wee small hours, I flicked through the Times, and I felt a distinct movement in my lower portions. Nope, those pesky little creatures had not made a return visit, and nope, that broadsheet hasn't introduced another supplement highlighting this week's porn releases. Far from it, the movement I felt was on the shrinkage rather than growing movement. The cause of my penis recoiling in horror was a restaurant review; the Guo-li-zhuang restaurant in Beijing is a specialist penis and testicle emporium! Yep, in this fancy place, complete with underfloor stream, you can pick your way through an amazing variety of animal penises! There is the eye-wateringly large yak’s willy, which is about 45cm long, but thin, so thin. It’s been boiled, peeled, except for a hunk of foreskin still clinging on to the end!

When asked about whether it's strange to deal exclusively in genitalia, the chef shrugs and doesn’t know what to say. He’s just happy to have a good job, really. His friends don’t take the mickey, his parents are proud of him, and he does what he’s told.

Chinese history is one of famine, poverty, drought and disaster, which is why the Chinese have become used to eating every part of the animal - they have to extract every edible morsel from the food they have. Many of this restaurant's better customers are male Communist party members. Their meal costs an average of two months’ wages for a dumpling-factory worker, and the top-priced willy sells for up to £250! That's a high price for a knob in anyone's book. Apparently genital-eating is very good for virility; you can go for hours after eating a good portion of penis. I'm not sure I want to try it tho.

Other knobs on the menu include water-buffalo penis, served in thin shavings. It started long and thin. It has the texture of squid and tastes of the mild chilli stock it’s been poached in. “It’s the first time I’ve had penis in my mouth, but I like it, and I’m going to do more of it”, the reviewer said without a single touch or irony and then took a sip of some deer-penis juice.

There is goat’s penis, bull’s penis tip, terrapin leg and all manner of radishes, dog's penis (the only one with a bone in it) served with a glacé cherry placed on the tip. According to the ST, the flavour is mainly of pork braised in hot stock.

This reviewer then asked the boss why they weren't eating female genitalia? The boss bursts into giggly, embarrassed laughter. “That’s a crazy idea - why would anyone want to do that?”

Why indeed? What's next - pickled human member with grated nut sac as a side dish!

David came round during his lunch break from work for coffee and had a right laugh at my expense as I waffled on about possibly going to see CamBoy down near his parents' house, now that he's on holiday from his university course. I'm pretty sure I'm not going to, I mean after splashing out on four pairs of goggles, funds are not in abundance, and I'm not sure I want to take it to that level yet. Yeah, cam2cam sex is great, but at least I don't have to cook him breakfast the morning after or sleep on the wet patch. However, I haven't said no to him coming down here toward the end of his time off before the new term starts in the not too distant future.

I know I'm kinda behaving foolishly as regards this fascination I have with CamBoy, but I think I've realised that there isn't really much of a long-term future in it; I mean, he's 20 and I'm well, old enough to be his dad (just!) We have little in common; he's doing a degree, and I'm working for a living on piss pore wages. He loves his burgers and his meat, and I'm a veggie; he's got his whole life ahead of him while mine repeatedly flashes before my eyes. When he's graduated, I'll be in my 40's. He plays Xbox, and I don't have a clue what one of them is! I explained all this to David, but even as I was saying it, I'm not sure if it was him I was trying to convince or myself!

However, he's a good-looking twenty-year-old with a nice body and the most impressive downstairs equipment, which is a feast for the eyes; thank god he doesn't live in Beijing, or he could well be on the menu at Guo-Li-Zhuang! Mind you, I'd sure like to get my lips around it, although I'm not gonna chew!!!

Continuing on my little theme of introducing you to the place in which I call home, here's another funky musical interlude.

Before I lived in the cosmopolitan gaytropolise that is Brighton, I used to live in Portslade, which is on the outskirts of Hove. I had fun there once, I'm sure I did! Indeed, my brother still lives there and so does little Mo. But even with those two funksters being residents, it has to be said that Portslade is not the most, errm, sophisticated of areas to find yourself in! I was sent the following video on Facebook from a former work colleague, Bab's and fellow resident of the town known as Portslade, which I wanted to share with you; it's a bit of a giggle!